No Altar Calls: From Indoctrination to Illumination

Altar Calls May Not Be What You Think — In fact, they might be the most well-oiled spiritual sales pitch ever marketed to the faithful. And it’s not ancient tradition. It’s a modern invention with a suspiciously familiar resemblance to a slave auction — both in structure and in outcome.

Personal Theories

  • Slavery: Let’s get real — the whole “walk down to the front while we sing 47 verses of ‘Just As I Am’” thing didn’t drop from Heaven on stone tablets. It gained steam in the 1830s under revivalist Charles Finney, a guy who treated conversion like a sales transaction. The “altar” was basically a display stage. In the 19th century, slave markets did the same thing — march the “merchandise” up, line them for inspection, point out their ‘virtues,’ and close the sale. Fast forward to today, and instead of checking teeth and muscle tone, pastors check your emotional vulnerability. Same playbook, shinier branding.
  • Laying Hands For Healing: The irony here is thicker than a prosperity preacher’s Rolex. These movements rail against “witchcraft” while swiping healing rituals straight from traditional shamans, Vodou priests, and Indigenous medicine people. Laying on hands? Chanting over the sick? That’s been around for thousands of years — long before some televangelist slapped a microphone on it and called it “anointing.” If you’re going to steal someone’s spiritual technology, at least have the decency to admit you’re plagiarizing.
  • This Is Why I Don't Perform Rituals: Some folks will call that unorthodox, others will call it blasphemy. I call it respect. I’m like the officiant in Spaceballs — no filler, no drama, just the “short, short version” and you’re married. I’m not here to manipulate you into an emotional frenzy so I can notch another “decision for Christ” on my belt. You want truth? You get truth — raw, no makeup, and without the greasy upsell.

Historical Context Worth Knowing

The altar call as we know it didn’t exist in the early church. First-century Christians didn’t have a piano, didn’t dim the lights, and sure as hell didn’t have a closing hymn. The practice comes from the 19th-century American revival circuit — the same America that was still running slave auctions in public squares. That’s not just a coincidence, it’s a cultural echo. People were already used to public displays of buying and selling human bodies. Swap the auctioneer for a preacher and the chains for “membership vows,” and you’ve got the same crowd psychology at work.

In the Word of Faith and Prosperity Gospel scene, this morphs into a full-blown market economy: your “faith” is the currency, the preacher is the broker, and the altar is the closing table. It’s a system that promises freedom while subtly reinforcing servitude — not to God, but to the institution. And in Fundamentalist settings, it doubles down with guilt as the whip, herding the “uncommitted” to the front like cattle in a pen.

The Hands, the Tongues, and the Show

Two of the flashiest tools in the Fundamentalist and Prosperity Gospel toolbox are “Laying on of Hands” and “Speaking in Tongues.” In the modern revival circuit, they’re not just “gifts of the Spirit” — they’re the halftime show. But let’s peel back the churchy wallpaper and see what’s really underneath.

Where Laying on of Hands Actually Comes From

Long before tent revivals and slick-suited preachers, “laying on of hands” was a universal ritual — you’ll find it in ancient Hebrew tradition (Numbers 27:18-23), Indigenous healing ceremonies, African spiritual systems, Hindu practice, and yes, witchcraft. It symbolized transfer — of blessing, power, authority, or healing energy. In early Christianity, it was recorded in Acts 6:6 and Acts 8:17 for commissioning leaders and imparting the Holy Spirit.

But in the 20th-century Pentecostal and Charismatic movements, the act took a dramatic turn. What used to be a simple, quiet gesture became a full-blown performance art piece — complete with shoving people backward (“slain in the Spirit”) and turning the front of the church into a spiritual mosh pit. It’s a borrowed practice, rebranded, and supercharged with emotional theatrics. And no, Paul didn’t throw people on the floor like rag dolls in the book of Acts.

Speaking in Tongues: Babel 2.0

Speaking in tongues, or “glossolalia,” has been around far longer than Pentecost. Ancient Greek cults, Roman oracles, African shamans, and tribal healers all had ecstatic speech in their rituals. It was often understood as the human mouth becoming the instrument of the gods — divine possession in action. In Christianity, Acts 2 describes tongues as known, intelligible languages understood by foreigners present (Parthians, Medes, Elamites — you get the picture). That’s a far cry from the random syllable soup you hear on modern church stages.

The “modern tongues” phenomenon came roaring into American revivalism during the Azusa Street Revival (1906–1915) in Los Angeles, led by William J. Seymour. It exploded into Pentecostalism and got scooped up by Charismatics and later the Word of Faith circuit. In practice, it’s often the perfect showstopper — a public display that’s hard to challenge without looking “unspiritual.” And let’s be honest — in a lot of services, it’s less about Acts 2 and more about “look at me, I’m channeling God.”

What the Bible Actually Says

  • Laying on of Hands: Used for blessing (Genesis 48:14), commissioning leaders (Numbers 27:18-23), healing (Mark 16:18, Acts 9:17), and imparting the Spirit (Acts 8:17). No scripture describes it as a circus stunt.
  • Speaking in Tongues: Acts 2 shows actual languages understood by listeners. 1 Corinthians 14 makes it crystal clear: if there’s no interpreter, shut it down — it’s just noise.

So Why I Don’t Do Religious Theater

For me, it’s about conscience. I’m not interested in being the master of ceremonies in a religious Vegas act. If I lay hands, it’s in private, with sincerity, and without an audience to applaud. If I speak, I want people to understand me without needing a decoder ring. Theatrics have their place — Broadway, concerts, maybe even politics — but not in the sacred. I’d rather give you the short, short version of truth than rope you into a performance that manipulates your emotions while pretending to be holy.

You want to practice these things? Fine — you’ve got the history, the scripture, and the baggage attached. Now it’s your call: follow them because they’re meaningful to you, or walk away because they’re rotten with stagecraft. Just don’t mistake the show for the substance.

Why I Don’t Call “Christmas” a Christian Holiday

Let’s get something straight — “Christmas” as we know it is about as authentically Christian as a velvet Elvis painting is authentic Renaissance art. It was manufactured, rebranded, and sold to the masses by the Roman Empire under Emperor Constantine in the 4th century. It wasn’t about celebrating the birth of Jesus. It was about political control, population management, and — as always — keeping the simple-minded distracted enough to stay in line.

The Constantine Playbook

By the early 300s AD, Christianity had spread far enough that Rome couldn’t stomp it out without making martyrs left and right. Emperor Constantine, a master strategist, decided that if you can’t kill an idea, you hijack it. In AD 313, he legalized Christianity with the Edict of Milan. But his goal wasn’t religious purity — it was stability. The Roman Empire was a house divided between old pagan traditions and the growing Christian movement. Constantine’s solution? Take the most popular pagan festival — Saturnalia — slap a Christian label on it, and call it a holiday for Jesus.

Saturnalia: The Original December Bash

Saturnalia was a week-long Roman festival honoring Saturn, the god of agriculture, held from December 17–23. It was debauchery on an imperial scale: feasting, gift-giving, gambling, drunkenness, and a temporary inversion of social order where slaves could insult their masters without getting flogged. Think Mardi Gras meets The Purge — toga edition.

When Constantine came along, he didn’t ban Saturnalia — he rebranded it. He tied it to December 25, which had already been celebrated as Dies Natalis Solis Invicti (“Birthday of the Unconquered Sun”) in honor of the sun god Mithras. Slap a “Happy Birthday Jesus” sticker over Mithras, keep the same party, and now the Christians and pagans could celebrate together without killing each other. It was marketing genius — and theological fraud.

The Manipulation Pattern

Constantine’s tactic was simple: If enough people believe the Emperor’s edict, it becomes law in practice. This isn’t unique to Rome — you see it in every era where the ruling class shapes belief to control the masses. It’s crowd psychology 101: redirect the herd with something familiar but under new management.

Example? Jump to the 17th century under King James I of England. He authorized the King James Bible in 1611 not purely as a spiritual gift to the people, but as a unifying text to solidify the monarchy’s religious authority. If the King says “this is the Word of God” and enough people repeat it, it becomes “truth” by sheer repetition. It’s the same Constantine move — package the message in a way that protects the throne.

Historical Receipts

  • AD 274: Emperor Aurelian establishes December 25 as Dies Natalis Solis Invicti.
  • AD 313: Constantine issues the Edict of Milan, legalizing Christianity.
  • 4th Century: Church leaders officially tie December 25 to Jesus’ birth, despite no biblical record of the date.
  • Middle Ages: Christmas incorporates Yule traditions from Norse/Germanic paganism — evergreen trees, feasts, and burning logs.
  • 1611: King James Bible released, consolidating monarch-approved Christianity for political unity.

Why I Opt Out

I don’t call Christmas a Christian holiday because it’s not — at least not in origin. It’s a political holiday dressed up in religious wrapping paper, designed to merge incompatible belief systems into a controllable population. That’s why you’ll never catch me playing “religious theater” about it. I’d rather call it what it is — a centuries-old PR stunt — and let people decide if they still want to toast eggnog to Constantine’s marketing campaign.

Addressing Satanic Panic & Other Issues The Church Obsesses Over

Motley Crue and Ozzy Osbourne weren’t glorifying the occult or summoning demons — their songs were warnings and tales set to music. Take Ozzy’s “Mr. Crowley,” calling out Aleister Crowley’s dark legacy; or “Bark at the Moon,” a metaphor for inner demons, not actual werewolves. Motley Crue’s “Shout at the Devil” wasn’t an invitation to devil worship, but a raw cry against personal and societal demons. Yet, churches in the ‘80s finger-pointed and condemned these artists as satanic, stoking a moral panic with zero nuance.

The Church Got It Wrong

Porn is a booming industry—ask your pastor, then check his browser history when he thinks no one’s watching. Hypocrisy much?

Heavy Metal still rocks—just ask the preacher’s kid sneaking tunes in his room after bedtime.

Sacred Medicine

Marijuana isn’t the devil’s lettuce—it’s a sacred plant used for healing in cultures worldwide for thousands of years. Used responsibly, it helps with pain, anxiety, and yes, unlocking the deeper layers of sensuality and connection.

My wife loves what it does for her—and so do I. It loosens her inhibitions and lets her express her sexuality and sensuality in ways that are authentic, freeing, and deeply human.

Are We Actually Worshiping Satan?

That question assumes Satan is a literal, physical being stalking the earth. I’ve never run into Satan face-to-face—nor have I met the walking, talking Jesus portrayed by modern American megachurches.

What I *have* encountered are people claiming Christianity who turned out to be the worst kind of human filth imaginable. Maybe after generations of conditioning, the roles got reversed. Just maybe.

God vs Satan: How The Roles Appear Reversed

Let’s dig into the irony: Churches preach a sanitized, authoritarian Christianity that often breeds judgment, exclusion, and sometimes outright cruelty. Meanwhile, many modern American Satanists quietly practice acts of charity, community building, and personal freedom—far from the stereotypes.

  • Christianity’s Authoritarian Roots: Post-Constantine (4th century CE), Christianity aligned with empire power, emphasizing control over personal freedom rather than the radical love Jesus preached.
  • Witch Hunts & Moral Panics: From the Middle Ages through the 17th century, church-led fear campaigns led to thousands of executions for alleged “witchcraft”—often targeting women, healers, and outsiders.
  • Modern Megachurch Culture: Emphasizes consumerism, prosperity gospel, and conformity—often at the cost of questioning or true spiritual growth.
  • American Satanism: Founded in the 1960s, groups like the Church of Satan promote individualism, personal responsibility, and charitable acts—subverting the fearful narratives Christians often push.
  • 1611: The King James Bible—while a literary masterpiece—was also a political tool, edited to reinforce the power structures of its day and cement certain doctrines that benefit institutions over individuals.